i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Semen is not good for contacts.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
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