Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
