seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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