someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize