I'm sorry my penis didn't work
it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
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