Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
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