Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
