I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Randomize
