When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
