he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
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