I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize