"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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