im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
porn star boner night. come get it.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
