wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Randomize
