I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
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