My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
