You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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