A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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