She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
