I wish I could teleport
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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