Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Randomize