@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Randomize
