She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Randomize
