I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Randomize
