saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
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