he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Randomize
