If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Randomize
