If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
Randomize
