i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
So many bounce houses so little time
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Randomize
