I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
