oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
