saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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