cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Randomize
