omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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