I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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