We won't sleep together?
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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