i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
