I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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