and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Randomize
