My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Randomize
