i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Randomize
