We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
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