Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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