Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Randomize
