Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize
