I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
