he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
