3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
