i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
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