apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
40s are totally the cure
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Randomize
