I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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