God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
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