I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
