My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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