so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
Dicks are not precious.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
