My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Randomize
