either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Randomize
