she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
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