It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
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