I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize