note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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