remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Randomize
