dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
