I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
Randomize
