I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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